So, I know normally these blogs are from the perspective of Lucy, but today I decided to post a little something myself, from my perspective as the mom of the most adorable, amazing and sweetest doggy in the world.
It's a rainy day, so I am not working at my landscaping job. When I woke up this morning, I got down on the floor with Lucy on her bed and snuggled with her. I stuck my nose right into the fur on her neck, a spot my mother and I always refer to as the nuzzle. As I breathed in the smell of her fur, it was so familiar and comforting. It made me think of all the things Lucy has been there for in my life over the past 15 years.
I got her when I was only 18-years-old and knew nothing about raising a dog, much less taking care of myself. The smell reminded me of all the things I've been through in those 15 years, all the people who've come and gone out of my life, the heartaches and successes I've experienced, the many places I've traveled and lived, and the constant love that Lucy has given me throughout it all. Even at my lowest and darkest periods, I've always been the center of Lucy's world. That alone has made it possible for me to rise above anything, because I know she depends on me to do so. What an amazing gift she has been in my life.
As the weather grows colder, and the rain starts to fall, I see my little girl getting so old. She's not my baby anymore. Watching her struggle with the steps, sometimes falling on the ground, walking around like she's drunk and just seeing her red furs turning white, I realize the end is coming. I can't imagine my life without her in it. Who will be there for me when everything and everyone else fails me? But things aren't the same either. I sometimes long for the days when I could bring Lucy to the dog park or swimming at the lake. I would give anything to see her chase her ball again. Now it's more like taking care of an old woman, with my only goal to keep her comfortable, fed and happy.
With winter will come the most difficult decision I've ever had to make in my life. You see, sometimes food, medicine, water and love aren't enough to keep an old body going. It's hard because she can still eat, drink and go outside to the bathroom on her own, but it's getting more and more difficult for her do so. So I have to do right by my best friend and make the last decision to end her life before it becomes too difficult for her to live with dignity. I realize everyday I have with her is one less day I have with her, and no matter how ready I may tell myself I am, I don't know how I'll live without her. She has been the greatest challenge, the greatest joy, and the most amazing gift of my life. That's why I try to take the time out of everyday to just sit and hold her in my arms and enjoy her nuzzles. Her fur is much more than a warm coat to keep her warm, it's smell, it's feel, it's warmth are a reminder of the past 15 years of my life and everything we've been through.
